The Secret GOP Strategy to Keep Larry Craig From Showing Up At Work

"Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho is a tough guy to run out of town. Not that his Republican colleagues aren't trying. Worried that the disgraced lawmaker intends to remain in the Senate indefinitely, they are threatening to notch up the public humiliation by seeking an open ethics hearing on the restroom scandal that enveloped Craig last month."

--The Washington Post, September 30, 2007

TO: Senate Republicans Except Senator Craig

FROM: Your New Republican Strategists

SUBJECT: Getting Senator Craig to Stop Coming to the Senate

Dear Senators,

Please rest assured that we, like you, want to maintain the strong family-values reputation of the Republican Party and thus have been working around the clock to get Senator Craig to quit his job. So stop sending messages accusing us of being "lazy bums," "traitors to the party," and "possibly bi-curious." Please remember that political strategists have feelings too.

Solving the Senator Craig issue is of utmost importance to us. A few days ago, we asked President Bush for his thoughts on the matter. "What would Jesus do?" the President asked as he closed his eyes in prayer. At least we think it was prayer. To be honest, it looked like he fell asleep. Eight hours later, around four p.m., the President reopened his eyes and announced, "He said to ask Karl Rove."

As your new Republican strategists, we didn't want to simply ask Karl. We wanted to prove ourselves. So, we decided to try out a few things on our own. You may remember the following attempts to rid the Party of Lincoln of Senator Craig.

Changing the locks to the august Senate chambers. This didn't work. Instead of sending new keys to all the Senators except Senator Craig, we accidentally sent all of the keys to Senator Craig. We would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the inconvenience. Our bad.

Implementing a Grandfather Clause. The Grandfather Clause, a Jim Crow law used to keep citizens whose ancestors couldn't vote prior to the Civil War away from the polls, is a time-tested way of keeping unwanted citizens out of government. We figured if it worked with African Americans, it could also work with homosexual Americans. So we tried to amend the Constitution to require that all Senate members have a grandfather who was also a Senator. It turns out this would have shut down the government. Is a government with members who allegedly solicited gay sex in a bathroom a government worth having? According to an overwhelming majority of Americans, yes. Again, our bad. We're still learning.

Began Each Senate Session with a 30-Minute Anti-Judy Garland Diatribe. According to our Chief Gay Culture Expert (an informal title given to the strategist who has seen the most episodes of "Will & Grace") this tactic should have worked incredibly well. Unfortunately Senator Craig continued to attend Senate sessions. It appears that the homosexuals have evolved a resistance to our methods. Very alarming.

Narrowed Senate Bathroom Stalls So That They No Longer Comfortably Accommodate Senator Craig's "Wide Stance." This didn't work, as the Senator just started using the handicap restroom. We tried to eliminate the handicap restroom, but apparently that's illegal--yet another case of laws getting in the way of justice.

Admittedly our track record thus far has not been great. We haven't proven ourselves to be replacements for "The Architect." Mr. Rove would have handled this fiasco with an understated elegance that only gay men could properly appreciate. And if that's not a good tradeoff, we don't know what is. Anyways, we're taking one more swing and suggesting you guys open an ethics inquiry into Senator Craig's behavior. Yes, use the United States Senate to determine if soliciting anonymous sex in an airport is morally wrong. Then America will win.

Sincerely,

Your New Republican Strategists

VALI CHANDRASEKARAN is a writer on "My Name Is Earl."

By Vali Chandrasekaran