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Trump’s health is “astonishingly excellent,” according to a letter from his doctor.

Some of you low-energy losers may be shuffling around hauling 10 pounds of holiday weight, watching your blood pressure rise as your finances decline, but not Donald J. Trump, who is the very picture of perfect health. According to his “highly respected” doctor Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital, Trump’s blood pressure and “laboratory test results” are “astonishingly excellent.” Trump’s physical strength and stamina are reportedly “extraordinary,” and he would be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Trump apparently has no history of cancer or substance use; his speech patterns, on the other hand, appear to be contagious.