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How do we get invited to these cool pill bowl parties John Kasich knows about?

While campaigning in New Hampshire today, the Republican presidential candidate revealed he knows all about the underground deep-dish drug scene.

I’m imagining it’s like Russian Roulette, but with a bowl of jelly bellies. Kids these days! They’re so wild and crazy, what with their lower rates of sexual activity, teen pregnancy, and alcohol and tobacco use. Only the surefooted moral leadership of party person John Kasich will set our nation back on a true and righteous path.