Much of the thrill of watching Mad Men is the unabashed way it displays the retrograde views of its leading characters. The same is true, of course, of the ongoing Republican presidential primary.
In fact, while it’s hard for us to picture the GOP candidates joining the hedonistic adventures of 1960s Madison Avenue (one pictures Mitt Romney gleefully pouring himself a second glass of chocolate milk), we did think some aspects of their personalities (and their political platforms) would fit right in. To test the point, we’ve gathered a handful of quotes from this year’s campaign and the past four seasons of Mad Men: Try and guess who said what. Cheers!
“If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.”
Don Draper or Mitt Romney?
Answer: Don Draper. Maybe if Mitt had a little less data-crunching consultant in him, and a little more ad man cool, his campaign would have managed to change the post-primary conversation without mentioning the “Etch-a-Sketch.”
“It doesn’t matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”
Don Draper or Newt Gingrich?
Answer: Newt Gingrich. Is it lines like these that makes Newt, like Don, so irresistible to women?
“Well, I gotta go learn a bunch of people’s names before I fire them.”
Roger Sterling or Mitt Romney?
Answer: Roger Sterling. This should have been obvious. Mitt Romney was a private equity investor: He doesn’t ask anyone’s names before firing them!
“I want a Hilton on the moon. That’s where we’re headed.”
Conrad Hilton or Newt Gingrich?
Answer: Conrad Hilton. To be fair, Newt probably also wants a Hilton on the moon, he just hasn’t said so.
“I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say ‘Now we are going to decide who are people and who are not people.’”
Pete Campbell or Rick Santorum?
Answer: Rick Santorum. Santorum may have grown up in a blue-collar Pennsylvania coal town—and not upper-class New York City, like Pete Campbell—but that’s still no excuse.
“I miss the closet. Homosexuals, not to speak of the rest of society, were far better off when social pressure forced them to hide their activities.”
Bert Cooper or Ron Paul?
Answer: Ron Paul. This is why we keep older people like Paul and Cooper around: to remind us of the importance (read: insanity) of bygone traditions.
“A poet once said, ‘Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line.’”
Bert Cooper or Herman Cain?
Answer: Herman Cain. Cooper’s gnomish statements were mostly grounded in Eastern philosophy; Cain’s are largely based on Pokémon.
“You know what? I am very comfortable with my mind. Thoughts clean and unclean, loving and… the opposite of that. But I am not a woman. And I think it behooves any man to toss all female troubles.”
Roger Sterling or Rick Santorum?
Answer: Roger Sterling. No one has ever had to be disabused of the notion that the anti-choice, anti-contraception Rick Santorum is concerned by “female troubles.”
“You want some respect? Go out there and get it yourself.”
Don Draper or Herman Cain?
Answer: Don Draper. Cain is motivated by many things: money, lust, pizza. Respect is not one of them.
“I hate to say this, but this has really made me wonder about civil rights. Maybe it’s not supposed to happen right now.”
Betty Draper or Ron Paul?
Answer: Betty Draper. One gets the feeling that Betty would have been a perfect contributor to the Ron Paul newsletters.