As the game progressed I kept muttering to myself, “Why, why, why?”

Like Sasha, I grew up in awe of the Dutch.

Cruyff, Neeskens, Gullit, and the god of gods, Bergkamp. 

We now get de Jong, van Bommel. What’s the point of having two holding midfielders if the only thing they can hold is their junk? If Edgar Davids were dead, he’d be rolling in his grave. If Edgar Davids were dead, he’d still be quicker than van Bommel. Bring him back. Bring Cocu back. Anything is better than what I witnessed in the first half.

When your back four are untrustworthy, it’s not a bad idea to play two holding midfielders. Unless they are slow, aging hackers with no discernible football talent. The difference between this tournament and the last World Cup is that the two have lost a step; they’re no longer able to catch up to opponents and hack, sucker-punch, or karate-kick them. 

Khedira, Schweinsteiger, and Özil had incredible games. They can, and will, make a lot of midfielders look bad. Today, however, my grandmother could have made van Bommel and de Jong look bad, and she’s an arthritic 95-year-old.

Reviewing the assist that led to the first goal, Ballack, one of the scholars on ESPN, pontificated that Schweinsteiger was unmarked because “Khedira came up front as well,” which must be a new super secret strategy. Have your midfielders come up front? And you know what, those sneaky Germans did it again because Schweinsteiger was unmarked when he assisted on the second goal. Scheiße!

That strategy was so secret that neither van Bommel nor de Jong thought of copying it; not once did they ever venture forward in the first half.

Are you pondering what I’m pondering, Pinky? The Germans intend to take over the world by having a midfielder “come up front.”

There was a point when Podolski turned on van Bommel only to be brought down by the hackmeister. The announcer said Podolski is too quick for van Bommel. I screamed at my television, “My grandmother is too quick—” 

Oh, never mind.