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The Final Frontier of Tedium

If you have a headache, which is somehow related to a sense of utter meaninglessness;

If baseball looks like fun;

If you start craving food like French fries and bacon frappé;

If you catch yourself reading the NYT Magazine while watching the game, until you realize that might be an even greater waste of time;

If you start wondering if all the hours, days, and years you have spent watching soccer may have been misspent;

If you start devising insults as answers for questions you anticipate coming from friends and family (”How was the game?”);

If you start considering that all the American sports pundits who practice knee-jerk berating of soccer might have a point;

If you feel a need to apologize to all those who might be undergoing the torture of watching the game because of your soccer propaganda;

If you’re experiencing a tightening in your stomach at the thought of the team that cannot string three passes together—and this is a consequence of their alleged tactical set up;

You have watched England play.

And if you’re suicidal on top of that all, you have just watched England-Italy in Euro 2012.