1 True or false? Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Tex.) invited "patriot" Ted Nugent to be his guest at the State of the Union address because he was a fan of his music.
a) True. "Cat Scratch Fever" was the first single he ever bought.
b) False. It was his way of sticking it to the anti-gun crowd after Rep. Jim Langevin (D-RI), paralyzed by a stray bullet as a teenager, urged lawmakers to invite survivors of gun violence as their guests.
2 What did Ted Nugent do mere hours before attending President Obama's State of the Union address?
a) He said of Rep. Jim Langevin, "He probably has shit for brains."
b) He said of the President, "He is an evil dangerous man who hates America and hates freedom. And we need to fix this as soon as possible."
c) He tweeted that "pimps whores and welfare brats" and other "subhuman varmint[s]" re-elected President Obama "to destroy America."
d) He said, "If it was up to me, if you uttered the word 'gun control,' we'd put you in jail."
3 What did Ted Nugent say at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting last April?
a) "I'm beginning to wonder if it would have been best had the South won the Civil War."
b) "MTV is a liberal lump of hippie snot. They are embarrassing. Those big uneducated greasy black mongrels on there, they call themselves rap artists. Excuse me? During a bad bloody case of diarrhea, I got more soul than those guys do at the peak of their life."
c) "If Islam is a religion of peace, then I'm a malnourished, tofu-eating anti-hunter."
d) "Watching the cops pounce on and pepper-spray a few Occupy stooges and then drag the dirtballs off to jail in shackles is good for my conservative soul."
e) "If Barack Obama becomes the President in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. Why are you laughing? Do you think that’s funny? That's not funny at all. I'm serious as a heart attack."
f) "There's a lot of white people in this crowd—I like that!"
g) "Foreigners are assholes, foreigners are scum. I don’t like 'em, I don’t want 'em in this country."
h) "I'm stymied to come up with anything funnier than people who think animals have rights. Just stick an arrow through their lungs."
i) "I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead."
j) "How do you get peace, love and understanding? First of all you have to find all the bad people. Then you kill them."
k) "The only thing missing in this world is more dead fucking assholes."
4 On August 24, 2007, Sean Hannity aired footage of Ted Nugent on stage at a concert where he brandished two assault rifles while ranting, "I was in Chicago, I said, 'Hey, Obama, you might want to suck on one of these, you punk.' Obama, he's a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun. Let's hear it for him. And then I was in New York. I said, 'Hey, Hillary you might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch.' So since I'm in California, how about Barbara Boxer, she might want to suck on my machine gun. Hey, Dianne Feinstein, ride one of these, you worthless whore." What did Hannity say when asked by Democratic pundit Bob Beckel if he was "prepared to disavow this lowlife"?
a) "Since I recently referred to Hillary Clinton's comparatively mild comments about a 'vast right-wing conspiracy' as 'hate speech,' I really have no choice."
b) "Was what he said there really any worse than that Dixie Chick saying she was humiliated by President Bush?"
c) "Considering how many times I’m on record attacking people I disagree with for calling women 'bitches,' if I don't I'll be the poster boy for inconsistency, won't I?"
d) "No, I like Ted Nugent. He's a friend of mine."
5 Complete Ted Nugent's description of how he spends his time: He and his band play concerts for several months and "the rest of the year, I _________________"
a) read gun magazines.
b) binge-watch box sets of violent TV shows.
c) just kill shit.
d) think about all the things about this world that I fuckin' hate.
6 True or false? Since he's such a macho man and loves to appear on stage in military garb, of course Ted Nugent happily served in Vietnam.
a) True. The Army had originally assigned him to a desk job, but he insisted on seeing combat.
b) False. As he told High Times magazine in 1977, the day he got his draft notice (30 days prior to his physical), he stopped cleaning himself in any way ("No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water"). Two weeks later, he went on a diet of "chips, Pepsi and beer." A week before his physical "I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants." Then he stayed awake for several days and snorted crystal meth. When he showed up for his physical, "they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, 'Oh my God, put those back on! You fucking swine, you!' … I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud … And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They'd call dead people before they'd call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I'd make an incredible army man. I'd be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I'd have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin' killers you'd ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know."
7 Which of these statements about Ted Nugent is NOT true?
a) He said of an encounter with a Hare Krishna, "In my mind, I'm going, 'Why can't I just shoot this guy in the spine right now, shoot him in the spine, explain the facts of life to him.'"
b) He said of South African blacks, "They still put bones in their noses, they still walk around naked, they wipe their butts with their hands … These are different people. You give 'em toothpaste, they fucking eat it."
c) He called animal rights activist Heidi Prescott a "worthless whore" and a "shallow slut," adding, "Who needs to club a seal when you could club Heidi?"
d) He called Hillary Clinton a "toxic cunt" and a "two-bit whore for Fidel Castro."
e) He called homosexuality a "despicable act" by "guys that have sex with each other's anal cavities."
f) He explained that his comment, "If you can't speak English, get the fuck out of America," was inspired by his "first-person, hands-on, eyewitness experience in America, where I've gone to enough fuckin' convenience stores where the cocksucker behind the counter can't translate 'donut' for me."
g) He defended Laker Kobe Bryant's calling a referee a "faggot" and suggested that the NBA host a "Homosexual Night" when, during halftime, gays could "hold hands and prance around the court to music by the Village People," after which they would each receive "a pink basketball as a symbol of solidarity."
h) He tweeted about "how insane fun it is slaughtering pigs with machinegunsfrom helicopters."
i) He appeared on "CBS This Morning" and responded to his interviewer's comment that he'd have trouble attracting moderates to vote for Romney by declaring, "People who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I'm a damned nice guy, and if you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I'll suck your dick," then said to an off-camera female producer, "Or I'll fuck you, how's that sound?"
j) He starred in a reality show on VH1, in one episode of which he required 44 stitches after accidentally cutting his leg with a chainsaw.
k) Who are we kidding? Of course they're ALL true.
8 Explaining the Sandy Hook school massacre, Ted Nugent said: "We live in an embarrassing, politically correct culture that … condemns and mocks traditional societal values and customs at every opportunity … Traditional family values have been under siege for decades by our culture of contempt. In the absence of a solid family, the whole thing slowly unravels and rots." Why is this statement so funny?
a) When he was 30, he convinced the parents of the 17-year-old he was having sex with to grant him legal guardianship to avoid potential problems with the law.
b) When he was 28, he received oral sex from then-12-year-old Courtney Love.
c) Nine years ago he was sued for child support by a woman whose child he fathered while he was married.
d) All of the above, plus pretty much everything else in this quiz.
9 After President Obama's speech, Ted Nugent said, "My favorite part was when I couldn't hear clearly. Then I didn't get angry." What did Nancy Pelosi say about Ted Nugent before the speech?
a) "Can you imagine what would have happened if I'd invited Natalie Maines to President Bush's speech after she said she was embarrassed to be from his state? And yet this maniac who has said some of the ugliest, most hateful things ever to spew from a human's mouth is invited here and apparently no one has a problem with it."
b) "What is that silly little thing stuck to his chin?"
c) "When it comes to the Republicans, there is no bottom."
d) "I am more concerned about Steve Stockman being here than Ted Nugent. Ted Nugent will leave. Steve Stockman will still be here."
2) a (He did all the other things, too, just not then.)
3) e (He said all the other things, too, just not there.)
Paul Slansky is the author of six books, among them My Bad: The Apology Anthology, The Little Quiz Book of Big Political Sex Scandals, and the New York Times bestseller The Clothes Have No Emperor: A Chronicle of the American 80s,which he has reissued as an e-book available at www.theclotheshavenoemperor.com.