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England's Loss to Uruguay, as Epic Poem

The doggerel of defeat

Juan Barreto/AFP/Getty Images

Note: This is an actual recap of the England-Uruguay game, featuring the England team's most significant contributions to the match. Numbers in parentheses refer to the minutes in which the action took place on the TV clock.

(2) Aimless ball out of the back
by Jagielka;
(3) misplaced Henderson pass.
Suarez gets clear of England's defense.
(4) Hart out of position, flaps at a cross.
(6) Gerrard Hollywoods a Hollywood pass.
Sterling wriggles;
(7) Suarez barges his good pal The G.
(8) Johnson out of position; handball.
(9) Rooney free kick.
Goal? No.
An English fan in chainmail, looks like a fool.
(12) Cahill heads the ball with his eyes tight shut.
(14) Misplaced Henderson pass;
Jagielka skews it, Uruguay misses.

(15) Aimless ball out of the back
by Cahill;
(17) misplaced Rooney pass.
Gerrard Hollywoods a Hollywood pass.
(20) Glen Johnson skews it
(22) so does Cahill.
(25) Rooney dispossessed, Hendo misses a header.
(26) Cavani tries with Cahill AWOL.
(27) Welbeck a gazelle, but bad;
(28) Sturridge elbowed.
Red card? No.
(29) Misplaced Jagielka pass.
(30) Welbeck still fast, Gerrard free kick,
Rooney hits the bar, harder to miss.
(34) Henderson makes a pass.
(35) Henderson makes a pass; Sturridge shoots.

(38) Gerrard misses a tackle. Johnson backs off.
Cavani crosses.
Cahill shies like the ball might hurt.
Suarez heads. Hart falls over.

(40) Sturridge shoots
Goal? No.

(43) Jagielka hoofs his pass.
(44) Gerrard misses his pass.
Johnson throws the ball to Uruguay.
Gerrard misses his pass.
(45) Johnson miscontrols.
Aimless ball out of the back
by Cahill.


(47) Aimless throw by Johnson,
(48) Hart out of position
from Suarez corner.
(49) Suarez bamboozles Baines, Gerrard blocks.
(50) Suarez left alone like a racist biter,
skews his shot left.

(50) England are square, Cavani misses.
(52) Misplaced Rooney pass.
(53) Great work by Baines; Rooney can't miss.
Goal? No.
(54) Great work by Baines; Welbeck can't reach.
(59) Two English fans in chainmail and smiles. Two times the fool.

Interlude: Ian Darke's Ode to Uruguayan Evil

"Guess what! It's another Uruguayan injury. Who'd have thought it, hey?"
("I think he's flat out," whispers Macca.)
"Well. He is. That doesn't look good.
He catches a knee.
They need to watch there for concussion.
That is a genuine injury.
So my apologies.
I implied otherwise."

(63) Barkley for Sterling,
(64) poor Sturridge cross.
(65) Misplaced Baines pass.
(67) Gerrard tackles a boot off.
Yellow? Yes.
(68) Johnson one on one, loses the pill.
(69) Suarez bamboozles Cahill.

(70) Lallana for Welbeck,
(73) Sturridge scuffed shot.
(74) Johnson one on one, loses the pill.
Redeems himself, Rooney arrives, will he?
Goal. YES.

(77) Great work by Baines; Sturridge does well.
Goal? No.
(81) Suarez bamboozles Ross Barkley.

(82) Hendo skews the pill,
(83) Stevie the G.
Hollywoods it nowhere to no one, until,
A terrible Henderson cross.

(84) Gerrard's great flick, perfect for Suarez.
But this is not Liverpool, this is the end.
Cahill is lagging,
Hart dives under the searing passing pill.
Goal? Yes.

Lambert on for Hendo,
(89) fouls his man.
(91) Lambert can't keep the ball in,
(92) a Hollywood shot by Stevie the G.
Goal? No.
(94) Rooney wins a corner, and
Goal? No.
(95) World class clearing header, instead,
by Lambert, the legend,
from a Rooney,
Peep. Peep. Peep.