Today, Consumerist reported on a new ad campaign from shoe merchant Nine West that spotlights the “shoe occasions” for which ladies will require footwear. So far, there are only two occasions. The first is “Starter Husband Hunting," whose phrasing is unclear: Are you hunting for a "starter husband" or are you just getting started with your hunt for a keeper? Either way, you will also apparently require “smokey eyes," a “wing woman,” and an “LBD” (that’s how the cool kids say Little Black Dress in an imaginative TV universe that bears no resemblance to our own).
The other occasion on which you will need a pair of Nine West shoes is, naturally, for the First Day of Kindergarten. No, not your first day of kindergarten: You didn’t have your own credit card back then. This is for the first day of kindergarten for the sprog you created with that husband you got specially shod in order to land! And as the ad reminds us, now that that little miracle has been packed off to school, “mommy now has the weeks off” and will find herself crying “happy-sad tears.” Because she doesn’t have a job. Because she never bought herself any shoes for the interview.
Here are five other “shoe occasion” directions in which Nine West might want take its ad campaign.
1. Advanced husband hunting. When the animal-print stilettos have hooked a live one, you’ll want to move on to shapely pumps. You know, for when you meet his parents and want to reassure them about your virginity.
2. Commuting. Power-ladies need some comfortable peds in which to jostle past all those weeping mommies, pushing strollers to kindergarten (or … whatever; career women don’t know what age children start school!) and leap on the train to capitalist domination and man-eschewing power. Consider Diane Keaton’s from Baby Boom!
3. Hipster biking. Nothing that gets caught in spokes, ladies!
4. Running from bears. Bears love menstrual blood. Just kidding, I don’t think that’s true. And also, seriously, I just looked it up and it turns out that you should never, never, never run from a bear no matter what you’re wearing. Instead, you should avoid eye contact and back away very slowly, and if that doesn’t work stand stock still. Neither action really requires shoes but come on, wouldn’t you rather you were wearing them?
5. Shoe-shopping. Grab a stylish but understated pair in which to walk straight past Nine West and hit up Payless, DSW or Shoegasm to fulfill your twenty-first century footwear needs.
The New York Times reports that Nine West has also designed a bag for the "Anticipatory walk of shame," suggesting that you'll want to keep a pair of flip-flops in it. Presumably it also has a zippered pocket in which to stow the recording of your grandmother's voice, telling you that sex is shameful.