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Who are Donald Trump’s Muslim, tractor-purchasing, Asian-market-watching friends?

Imagine my surprise when a debate so bloodless and unremarkable it seemed to slow time to a nightmarish lurch somehow transformed into a hallucinatory odyssey into Donald Trump’s many friendships. 

Earlier in Thursday night’s GOP debate, Trump remarked upon his “Muslim friends” when presented with the fact that he suggested temporarily banning Muslim travel into the U.S. in late 2015. Many of his Muslim friends, Trump claimed, have called him and thanked him for pointing out that radical Islamic terrorism exists. This isn’t the first time they have reached out to offer their support: Back in December, Trump said an unnamed Muslim or Muslims told him, “Donald, you brought something up to the fore that is so brilliant and so fantastic.”

Later, Trump reflected upon his tractor-purchasing friends who have enough money to buy multiple tractors, but have shrewdly taken their business to Japan, where devalued currency makes Japanese tractors cheaper than American caterpillar tractors. “Friends of mine are ordering Komatsu tractors now,” Trump said, “because they’re devaluing the Yen to an extent where you can’t order a Caterpillar tractor.”

Such friends Donald has. So supportive, so tuned into the international farm- equipment market, always looking to validate their friend’s anti-them rhetoric and purchase just so many tractors. But who are they? Will we ever know? Can we ever ride on their tractors? We may never know until the inauguration party, which I imagine will be like the death scene in Big Fish.