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Marco Rubio will be eating soft foods for the foreseeable future.

After getting murder-suicided by Chris Christie, then owned by a bunch of grownups wearing cardboard robot costumes, then totally obliterated in the New Hampshire primary, Marco Rubio’s body is giving out on him. After cracking a tooth while eating a Twix bar, he’ll be on a pancake (and presumably other soft foods) diet as he tries to recharge his lagging campaign. 

The Rubio campaign has since tried to spin this by saying that the Twix bar was frozen, but I believe that claim should be treated with suspicion.

First, here’s what Rubio told the Wall Street Journal about the incident: “I just bit into a Twix bar and I go, ‘Man this Twix bar’s got something really hard in it. And I go, ‘Oh my gosh, I cracked my tooth.’” Sounds good, except FROZEN TWIX BARS ARE ALREADY HARD SO WHY WOULD THAT BE SURPRISING???

Second, here’s the forecast for yesterday’s weather in Charleston, South Carolina: 

What kind of maniac eats a frozen Twix bar when it’s 30 degrees out? Even if this was true, which it probably isn’t, this fact alone should disqualify him from the presidency. 

The Twix bar probably was not frozen.