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Who Said It: Beto O’Rourke, Howard Schultz, or a Punk Rock Band?

A multiple-choice quiz on some of the great issues of our time

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Much has been made of Beto O’Rourke’s punk rock bona fides, or lack thereof. On the one hand, he used to play in a punk band and cites Ian MacKaye—the Pete Seeger of the American punk movement—as an inspiration. On the other hand, the odds of O’Rourke adopting a Fugazi-style healthcare system, where everyone pays five dollars, seem slim.

Ironically, despite his background in two transgressive subcultures (punk rock and hacking), O’Rourke might be the least threatening candidate thrashing around the crowded mosh pit that is the Democratic field. Far from abrasive, O’Rourke’s rhetoric—Hey gang, let’s all come together and solve some problems!—sounds like the same three chords Howard Schultz is always strumming.

So, is O’Rourke more like a punk rocker, or a megalomaniac former coffee shop CEO? The following quiz contains a series of quotes concerning some of the great issues of our time. Your challenge is to identify the source for each one: O’Rourke, Schultz, or a classic punk band.

On Foreign Policy

1.

I think we look at the country today /
It’s very fragile, our standing in the world /
And I think what’s missing right now /
Is a deep sense of leadership /
That the American people are longing for and deserve /
A sense of character, a sense of morality

2.

I don’t necessarily understand /
And I’ve been a member of Congress for six years /
We haven’t had a meaningful discussion about these wars /
Since 2003

3.

Hating Yankees too much /
Those beret-headed nuts /
They can stick the Eiffel Tower /
Straight up their butts

ANSWERS:

1. Schultz
2. O’Rourke
3. The Meatmen’s “French People Suck”

On Environmental Catastrophe

1.

The ingenuity and innovation /
That you only find in America /
And in capitalist systems /
The ability to harness the power of the market /
It’s hard to argue against pricing carbon /
And allowing the market to respond to that

2.

There’s a hole at the bottom of the earth /
Where the blood pours out at the end of the day /
When the usual amount of people have died /
Sit back and watch the death and decay /
It’s a dying world

3.

I’m certainly concerned /
About the environment

ANSWERS:

1. O’Rourke
2. Subhumans’ “Dying World”
3. Schultz

On Health Care

1.

I think everyone in America /
Every person /
Deserves to have the right for affordable care /
Every person

2.

We may disagree /
About the best policy path forward /
But for me, that affords us the greatest buy-in /
From the greatest number of Americans /
Because this cannot be the policy or plan /
Of just one person or one party

3.

I’m confused, you are wrong, don’t wanna be wrong /
Stupid incompetence, stupid in what you think /
I’m confused, leave me alone, I don’t wanna be wrong /
When I talk to you, my mind falls apart

ANSWERS :

1. Schultz
2. O’Rourke
3. Black Flag’s “Damaged II”

On Political Identity

1.

I’m not big on labels /
I don’t get all fired up about party /
Or classifying or defining people based on a label or a group /
I’m for everyone

2.

I’m running as an American /
Wrapping myself in the American flag /
My first order of business is to put the American people first /
In everything I do

3.

I speak for truth /
I shout for history /
I am a cesspool /
For all the shit to run down in

ANSWERS:

1. O’Rourke
2. Schultz
3. Minutemen’s “Do You Want New Wave or Do You Want the Truth?”

On Leadership

1.

The reason I’ve stepped up /
Is because I’m concerned /
About your children, my children, my grandchildren /
And the future of the country /
I know we can do better than this

2.

I want to be in it /
Man, I’m just born to be in it /
And want to do everything I humanly can /
For this country at this moment

3.

You tell me that I make no difference /
Well at least I’m fucking trying /
What the fuck have you done?

ANSWERS:

1. Schultz
2. O’Rourke
3. Minor Threat’s “In My Eyes”

On Campaigning

1.

I look forward to the dialogue /
And meeting Texans exhilarated /
By the idea of restoring power /
To the American people

2.

Already miss the road /
Miss our team and the volunteers we’d see /
In every city, every town /
Miss the energy and smiles and joy that I found

3.

All my life /
I’ve been living on the run /
Hanging out in bars and hotel rooms /
Annoying everyone

ANSWERS:

1. Schultz
2. O’Rourke
3. G.G. Allin’s “When I Die”

On Civility

1.

When people talk honestly about what’s broken /
And communicate disagreements with civility /
Problems get solved

2.

The antidote to what we see in politics today /
Is not more meanness, pettiness, smallness, and hatred /
It is treating one another with civility and decency /
And staying focused on the big things /
We want to accomplish together

3.

There really is nothing nice about USA /
You go to the hospital you have to pay /
The dollar is the language that they all speak /
They don’t really bother about the radiation leak /
Fuck the USA [x 8]

ANSWERS:

1. Schultz
2. O’Rourke
3. The Exploited’s “Fuck the USA”

On Coming Together as a Country to Face the Challenges Ahead

1.

We’re all in this together /
The challenges we face /
Are the greatest in living memory /
We can only meet them /
If we build a movement that includes all of us

2.

They hate us, we hate them /
We can’t win, no way /
Not ’til we burn down the city halls

3.

We were not born a divided nation /
It’s time to step up /
Reclaim the high ground /
And give future generations a united America

ANSWERS:

1. O’Rourke
2. Black Flag’s “Police Story”
3. Schultz

On Hope

1.

It feels good to be here /
My hope is to share my truth /
Listen to yours, build trust /
And focus on things that can make us better

2.

Hear the laughing and the cheering /
I can see us hopeful and connecting /
As we shook one another’s hand /
Looking at each other and nodding, knowing

3.

Give up /
Fuck the government /
Kill the home owners

ANSWERS:

1. Schultz
2. O’Rourke
3. Fear’s “Disconnected”