Daniel Chun is a writer for “The Simpsons.”
Is the election driving you crazy? Are you losing sleep over the fact that the awesomest guy ever might lose the presidency to a grumpy old jerk? Well, the waiting is the hardest part, and you only have to wait four more days. Here’s how to make it through the homestretch without losing your mind.
1. Learn how to read polls correctly: Too many people live and die by the fluctuations of polls, which are inherently imperfect. Here’s how to read polls. If the results are good, that means Obama’s winning. If the numbers look bad, that means the poll is a piece of shit and the pollster is a Republican. To make this point to others, make sure to say the phrase “highly suspect internals” a lot. If someone asks you what that means, call them a racist.
2. Convince yourself that more of the same is okay: After all, a lot of good came out of the last eight years: Will Ferrell came into his own as a leading man. Kevin Garnett won a title. Hot dogs stayed delicious. Internet porn got awesome.
3. Get really into a hobby for the next four days: Something so fun, so wonderful, and so engrossing that you’ll completely forget about the election. Yes, I’m talking about cross-stitching.
4. Avoid political discussions: Sure, it’s not totally up to you. Someone could walk up and start talking about politics. That’s why you distract them by wearing one of those Rastafarian wigs. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much of the would-be political conversation gives way to loud ridicule and name-calling.
5. Take a whole bunch of sleeping pills and don’t wake up until Tuesday. Sleeping pills are dangerous, so you have to make sure to take the exact right amount. Here’s how--swallow as many pills as you can until you feel yourself dying. Then just vomit lightly and you should be all set.
6. Forget politics and remember what really matters: A child’s smile. The crisp air after a rain shower. The smell of freshly-baked cookies. Music spilling onto the street from a rooftop party. Only some of those things would be outlawed by President Palin.
7. Remember that Obama’s already got this thing wrapped up: Thanks to a little thing called voter fraud from our friends at ACORN! Ha ha ha, you Republican fools! This race will be decided by the likes of “Mickey Mouse” and “Tony Romo”! You neglected the ACORN, and it grew into a mighty oak of corruption! Try again nex--wait, what? Voter registration fraud isn’t the same as voter fraud? Mickey Mouse can’t vote? Oh God, we’re screwed. Everyone panic.