No! I don't want them. Please don't send them and please don't ask for them. Instead of obsessing over these chimerical numbers, go spend a couple hours at a senior center. Or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Clean out your closets. Go see Zack and Miri Make a Porno if you must. Can we please, please learn the lesson of 2004 and just wait until after dinner? Were the 800 polls released yesterday not enough for you?

--Michael Crowley