Want to watch the Democratic National Convention, but afraid it’ll distract from your alcoholism? The DNC Drinking Game can help. Pour yourself a cocktail (or a latte) and prepare to get drunk on booze and hope.

Take a drink every time Obama reminds you of JFK, but only because your knowledge of historical figures is limited.

Take a drink every time the Republicans are blamed for high gas prices, the weak economy, or America’s loss in Olympic softball.

Take a drink every time TV commentators say the words “punditry,” “blogosphere,” or “Obamania.”

Take a drink if you've heard of Senators Jeff Bingaman, Maria Cantwell, Dean Burgess, or Amy Klobuchar. Take another if you knew that there is no Dean Burgess in the Senate.

Take a drink every time Obama stands in the light in such a way as to make you believe his skin color is a mix of red, white and blue.

Take a drink every time Evan Bayh says, “I didn’t want v.p. anyway ... Postmaster General’s where the real power’s at.”

Take a drink if either Iraq or the environment are described as a “shitstorm.”

Take a drink if anyone you’re watching with describes Bill Richardson as “the smoking hot governor of New Sex-ico.”

Take a drink for every state delegation that makes a point of showing off what state they are (Hawaiians wearing leis, Texans wearing cowboy hats, Utahans practicing polygamy, etc.)

Take a drink every time your parents give you an excuse for why they don’t like Obama that can be translated as “I’m racist.”

Take a drink every time Obama says something so amazing that you don't even care about your kids not having health insurance.

Take a drink if you see Jesse Jackson trying to get a peek at the convention through an air conditioning vent.

Take a drink if--when--the crowd screams for a Harry Reid encore.

Take a drink every time Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper humiliates a Republican...also known as “getting Hickenloopered.”

Take a drink every time Hillary says something bad about Obama in the secret code language that all white people know.

Take a drink every time a Democrat follows up the Pledge of Allegiance with a chuckle and a “Just kidding.”

Take a drink every time John Edwards shouts into a megaphone outside the Pepsi Center that he only had sex with Rielle Hunter when his wife’s cancer was in remission.

Take a drink of champagne when you're filled with excitement as you realize, “Oh my god, this can really happen. A black man named Barack Obama might be elected president.”

Take a shot of whiskey when that feeling is swiftly followed by dread as you think, “There’s no way this is gonna happen.”

Take a drink every time during Obama’s speech when all other sounds fall away, and you feel as though an electric current is coursing through your veins, and for one all-too-brief moment, there are no problems, no distractions, nothing at all. Just Barack.

Take a drink every time Kathleen Sebelius says something that is flat-out funny as hell.

In honor of Ted Kennedy, take a million drinks.

Take a long, emotional swig of gin every time Hillary does.

Take a drink every time Obama solves race in America.

Jeremy Bronson is a writer for Comedy Central's “Chocolate News” and Daniel Chun is a writer for “The Simpsons.”


By Jeremy Bronson and Daniel Chun