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Drink Up, My Friends

Experience is a central theme in this election--and like the candidates, we’d like to trumpet ours. Based on our proven track record as writers of one previous convention Drinking Game, we proudly present the Republican National Convention version--ready from day one to get you hammered.

Take a drink whenever at least five American flags or two bald eagles are visible at the same time.

Take a drink when the Republicans trot out their celebrity supporters. Take another if it's anyone other than Angie Harmon.

Take a drink if the Republicans have Kenny Chesney sing the details of their long-term Middle East policy.

Take a drink if the camera shows one of President Bush's daughters, and you can just tell they're gonna vote for Obama.

Take a drink if the convention hall blares a song by a musician who is clearly not a Republican. Take another if that song's lyrics are clearly about drugs or sex, but nobody seems to know it.

Take a drink if, in the middle of his speech, John McCain begins drilling into the stage for oil.

Take a drink if you see a young Republican hottie and are simultaneously aroused and furious.

Take a drink if Fox News praises any of the speeches before they've been given.

Take a drink if President Bush, appearing via satellite, gives a Daniel Webster–quality speech that leaves you in tears, praying to God that the presidential term limit gets repealed.

Take a drink if John McCain brags about having hung out with Daniel Webster in the Senate cloak room.

Take a drink every time Sarah Palin promises to bring down the skyrocketing price of Alaskan King Salmon.

Take a drink if the Republicans highlight their diversity by showing, in rapid succession, any three of the following: a woman, a black person, an Asian, a teenager, a gay viking, a Hispanic centaur.

Take a drink if McCain does a cute old-guy thing, like trying to learn the Soulja Boy dance or if his pants fall down, and you go "aww" and decide to vote for him.

Take a drink if Palin and McCain huddle offstage and pray their asses off for more hurricanes for President Bush to go visit.

Take a drink if Sarah Palin addresses the PUMAs with the exciting news that she will name her soon-to-be-born grandchild Hillary.

Take a drink if Obama is referred to as "Barack Hussein Obama," "Barack Osama," or "Khalid Sheikh Muhamm-Obama."

Take a drink if John McCain mispronounces "Internet" or calls a computer a "future-box."

Take a drink if a Republican sneeringly mentions Barbra Streisand without mentioning her distinguished career of bringing joy to fans of stage and screen.

Take a drink if you hadn't heard of Sarah Palin until last week. Take another drink if John McCain admits he hadn't heard of Sarah Palin until last week either.

Take a drink if McCain tries to win the youth vote by giving out some delicious penny candy.

Take a drink when the Republicans bring out noted conservative rapper

Take a drink if, re: his v.p. choice, John McCain politely asks for a mulligan.

Take a drink when John McCain takes his mid-convention nap.

Take a drink if George W. Bush's speech is preceded with the following: "The views expressed here are the sole propriety of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of the candidate. Like not at all. Seriously.”

Take a drink if McCain writes out his energy policy on the pelt of a dead polar bear.

Take a drink if McCain pauses to gather himself before having to say "Ahmadinejad," then pauses afterwards for applause.

Take a drink if someone you're watching with angrily says, "I can't watch this anymore" and leaves the room.

Jeremy Bronson is a writer for Comedy Central's "Chocolate News" and Daniel Chun is a writer for "The Simpsons."

By Jeremy Bronson and Daniel Chun