"I think there is a general war on Christians underway in our country. … I think it's clear it is liberals who are the purveyors of an anti-Christmas, anti-Christian bias."
--Fox News host John Gibson, author of The War
on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the
Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than
You Thought
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE
TO: Leading Democrats
FROM: DNC Executive Committee
(cc: Howard Dean)
SUBJECT: Overcoming the Anti-Christmas Image
While our base strongly supports the war on Christians, polling numbers suggest that we're losing independent voters. We believe the key to gains in 2006 is to demonstrate a love of Yuletide that is resolute, patriotic, and gritty. Democrats cannot afford to look weak or vacillating, so we suggest action in the following areas:
STATUETTES
Produce Precious Moments-style Nativity scenes with figurines of leading Democrats. Wise men should include Tom Vilsack and Ken Salazar. The baby Jesus should resemble Barbara Boxer.
ENVIRONMENT
Highlight the neglectful environmental stewardship of Republicans by focusing on the threat faced by the woodland elf. Also, befriend group of elves and, if possible, train to serve as communications staff for Howard Dean.
PAGEANTRY
Capitalize on Abu Ghraib human-pyramid expertise by stacking detainees this time to form, unmistakably, a human Christmas tree. (Note: Detainees should either be clothed in green, or, if naked, painted.)
MOVIE
Produce a pro-Christmas techno-thriller directed by Mel Gibson and starring Evan Bayh. Supporting roles should include Chuck Schumer as the gruff but lovable space-sleigh mechanic Papa Scraps.
OTHER HOLIDAYS
Three talking points: Hanukkah is Moronikkah. Ramadan is Rama-dumb. And fuck Kwanzaa.
TAXES
Advocate the Christmas tax break, a holiday tax relief package for Christians. Suggest that any resulting shortfalls in revenue be made up with money from Jews.
IRAQ
Democrats should launch a $12 billion hearts-and-minds campaign to provide a Christmas tree for every Iraqi.
Let's be clear: Winning in 2006 will not be easy, but the path, in this case, runs straight--and hopefully roughshod--over liberal secularists. The sooner Democrats recognize this, the sooner we can return to office and fight for the issues that really matter to us--namely, winning the war against Easter.
By T.A. Frank