Jack Bauer: Eco-Warrior. Friend of Garofalo. Federal Agent.

"24"'s upcoming seventh season appears to mark a different direction for the conservative-leaning action drama. First, producers cast a female president. Then they struck a plan to make the show's production more environmentally friendly, leading to a "carbon-neutral" season finale. And last week, they cast Janeane Garofalo as federal agent Janis Gold. We got our hands on some scripts from the next season, and it looks a new era for the show. A sneak peek:


EPISODE 1: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

Int. CTU - day

JACK BAUER talks to JANIS GOLD.

JANIS GOLD
Our source tells us that the terrorists' plan is blow up Broward Dam. This would create mass flooding, cut power to the entire state, and destroy the habitat of the tidewater goby.

JACK BAUER
Dammit! Without that goby, what will our local heron population eat?

JANIS GOLD
Try not to think about that.

JACK BAUER
I can't help it! Every link in the food chain matters!

Jack punches his hand through a wall.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D)
Chloe, get me a schematic of the dam's facilities.

CHLOE O'BRIAN
I'm on it. Let me power up my computer.

Chloe mounts an exercise bike connected to a power generator into which her computer is plugged. She pedals furiously. Her computer slowly boots up.

JANIS GOLD
We don't have much time, Chloe! Pedal harder!

Chloe pedals harder.

JANIS GOLD (CONT'D)
(to Jack, proudly) Did you know that just ten minutes of pedaling powers her computer for an hour?

CHLOE O'BRIAN
Not to mention burns calories and improves my heart health.

Jack nods, impressed and a little inspired.


Int. Dam control room - day

A DAM WORKER, soaking wet, is being held down by two LACKEYS. TERRORIST #1 enters.

TERRORIST #1
Has the American told us how to disable the safety override?

LACKEY #1
He won't talk.

TERRORIST #1
Continue the waterboarding.

The lackeys move to shove the dam worker's head into a tub of water. He struggles.

DAM WORKER
Please, please! Wait!

TERRORIST #1
Yes?

DAM WORKER
Are you gonna just dump this water after you torture me?

TERRORIST #1
Of course not. We have an extensive grey water system. The water will be fed to the shrubbery back at the hideout.

DAM WORKER
Okay, great. Carry on.

The lackeys hold the dam worker's head underwater. He struggles violently. After a few seconds, he is pulled up.

DAM WORKER (CONT'D)
(gasping) Cuz we only have one Earth, you know?

The terrorists murmur their agreement. The lackeys hold the dam worker under again. He flashes the thumbs-up.


EPISODE 9: 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM

Ext. Street - day

TERRORIST #2 frantically looks for a means of getaway. He runs up to a car at a red light and opens the DRIVER's door.

TERRORIST #2
What kind of car is this?

DRIVER
T-Toyota Camry.

TERRORIST #2
Camry hybrid?

DRIVER
No.

TERRORIST #2
That won't do.

The terrorist shoots the driver in the face. He looks for another car. He spots a parked Prius--he smashes the window, gets in, and drives off. A beat later, a city bus rounds the corner. Jack Bauer is on board.

Int. Bus - CONTINUOUS

JACK BAUER
Follow that Prius! Can't you drive any faster?

BUS DRIVER
If this is too slow for you, drive yourself.

JACK BAUER
And contribute eight thousand pounds of CO2 to the atmosphere? Then I'd be the worst terrorist of all. Ever think about that, [LOOKS AT NAMETAG] Doug?

Jack sees the Prius getting away. He holds his gun to the bus driver's neck.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D)
Drive faster, dammit! I'm a federal agent.

BUS DRIVER
Okay, okay!

The bus driver guns the gas pedal. We see the speedometer hit 55, then climb towards 65.

JACK BAUER
Whoa, whoa! Does fuel efficiency mean nothing to you? Fifty-five is fast enough. Geez.

The bus slows down to 55.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D)
By the way, everyone, I commend you for taking public transportation.

He checks to make sure the Prius is still in view, then finds an open seat.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D)
Mind if I sit here?

TEENAGER
Fuck if I care.

Jack pulls out an old Harper's and settles in.


EPISODE 24: 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

Ext. Dam - day

Jack, gun in hand, hurries across the enormous dam. He speaks to Chloe via cell phone.

JACK BAUER
Chloe, do you copy?

CHLOE O'BRIAN
Yes, Jack.

JACK BAUER
This is very important: I need you to Tivo Charlie Rose for me. Leonardo DiCaprio is talking about the disappearing honeybees.

CHLOE O'BRIAN
Let me see if I can get into your Tivo controls from here. (TYPES RAPIDLY) I'm in.

Jack peeks around a doorway. The terrorists, in masks, are recording a message before a video camera.

TERRORIST #1
People of America. For too long the world has stood idly by as your environmental philosophy of "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" has placed too much emphasis on recycling and not enough on reducing. The time has come to be punished. The explosion of this dam is the first of many--

JACK BAUER
Freeze! You're not exploding anything. There's one thing you didn't account for. You're destroying the habitat of the tidewater goby.

He points his gun at the terrorists. Janis Gold enters, her gun pointed at Jack Bauer.

JANIS GOLD
I'm sorry, Jack, but we've already bought the carbon credits to offset the explosion. It's happening.

Chloe O'Brian enters, her gun pointed at Janis.

CHLOE O'BRIAN
I don't think so, bitch. The CFL lightbulbs in this room will leech mercury into the ocean if this place blows.

Ed Begley, Jr. enters, gun pointed at Chloe.

ED BEGLEY, JR.
Hey guys, check out my new eco-friendly gun. The bullets are made from biocompostable starches.

Al Gore enters, gun pointed at his own head.

AL GORE
What's the point of any of this? This planet's screwed.

JACK BAUER
It seems to me that the only person who can really make a difference for our planet...

He looks directly at the camera.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D)
...is you.

We FREEZE on Jack's face.

Al Gore's gunshot can be heard in the background. MUSIC: "BIG YELLOW TAXI" by Joni Mitchell.

[NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Instead of our normal end credits, maybe a montage of footage of disgusting public wells in the third world?]

By Daniel Chun