Guess Who's Coming to The White House Dinner

1) Date a black woman. You don’t have to marry her--that’s going too far and white people won’t like that--but date one, the darker the better, and do so preferably after college. If you only date a black woman during your college years, black people will think you didn’t really mean it.

2) Mention “The Boondocks.” Better yet, get mentioned in “The Boondocks.” If you can get a character who has jungle fever named after you, great. See #1 for help with that.

3) Dance! There’s no reason for the stereotype of white rhythmlessness to live on in the new racial calculus. While remnants of it may survive, there are enough Justin Timberlakes in the world to give any white politician the confidence to bust a move. The secret here, no matter your age or the potential for ridicule, is to really, really commit. Like this guy. And whatever you do, don’t get suckered into any native African dances. That’s a no-win situation for you.

4) Be raised by a single parent. Bill and Barack have this in common. If your parents are together, try to arrange a divorce. Or say your dad abused your mom (emotional abuse is fine; he doesn’t need to punch her). You may need to get your old man to sign off on this, but tell him you'll give him a tour of Air Force One for his trouble.

5) Don’t say Aretha Franklin or James Brown when asked who your favorite singer is. Mention a singer only black people listen to like Gerald Levert or Betty Wright (yeah I know you don’t know who they are, so I put in links). The goal here is to choose the kind of singer who has no chance of winning a Grammy. Ever.

6) Call something racist that black people never thought of as racist. This one is hard, because black people think a lot of shit is racist. So take your time and really put some thought into it. Barack beat you to the punch with the Clintons--you can’t trump that, but maybe you could try something else unexpected, like “Sesame Street” or K-Y Jelly. In any case, get creative. The future of the white man depends on you.

Cinque Henderson is a TV writer, working on a book about Abraham Lincoln.

By Cinque Henderson