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Mission Accomplished

The White House's new benchmarks for measuring progress in Iraq

Memo to: POTUS

From: Office of War Czar

Re: Revised Benchmarks

We understand POTUS feels that the recent score of "eight out of eighteen" on the benchmarks out of Iraq wasn't great p.r. We suggest a new goal of "eighteen out of twenty-eight," to be brought about through the addition of ten new benchmarks more likely to be met.

Suggested additional benchmarks:

    1. Establish unwritten policy under which Moqtada Al Sadr must pull out of government no more than three times per month and must reenter government no more than four. Also, Sadr should continue to speak in Arabic and must not remove facial hair.
    2. Limit use of air conditioning. The population should conserve power by operating cooling devices for only a few hours per day, at most. (Exceptions may me made for those with generators.)
    3. Preserve availability of high-powered firearms for Iraqi consumers. A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, and countless militias being even better, the right of the Iraqi people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
    4. Promote ethnic pride and religious awareness. Iraq comprises a vibrant mix of beliefs and backgrounds, and we encourage a celebration of its diverse identities.
    5. Eliminate all terrorist attacks on local Bar Mitzvahs or Seders. We expect assurance that there will be no further violations of the sanctity of such occasions.
    6. Implement and strengthen program of de-Baathification. Continue with successful phase-out of former Baath officials through policy of hanging. Correct errors in procedure and aim for the preservation of the connection between torso and head.
    7. Reduce number of out-of-wedlock births. We expect the Iraqi government to make every effort to prevent pregnancies among unmarried teens and to lower the numbers of single mothers on welfare.
    8. Eradicate trichinosis. The Iraqi ministry of health should ensure that all pork products receive sanitary treatment and are cooked thoroughly through the middle.
    9. Maintain healthy levels of nourishment and hydration among members of parliament. This can be accomplished particularly effectively by taking extended breaks or pauses--say, for the month of August.
    10. Enforce ban on nude beaches.

By T. A. Frank