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My Lame-Duck To-Do List, by George W. Bush

Finally learn Portuguese (such a beautiful language).

Read a NIE.

Go to a liquor store and ask for some spare boxes.

Call Chertoff, change top level on chart to "Threat Level: GEORGE."

Grow a mustache. A strong mustache. A good mustache.

Read Suze Orman's book; fix economy.

Find out what "cloture" means.

Get to know my new black friend, Barack Obama. See if he wants to start a few weeks early.

Remove the letter "O" from all White House keyboards. Hehe.

Twenty-second Amendment loophole? Get Yoo to draft memo.

Post-presidential plans . . . the finalists: "I'm clearin' brush." "I'm going to find some brush and clear it." "See that brush over there? Gonna clear it." "I'm ohn clear sum bruush." "Me? Just clearin it. The brush, I mean." "Me. Brush. Clear. What part of that don't you understand?"

By Stephen Sherrill