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What I Learned From Watching Glenn Beck's Entire Show, Start To Finish, For The First Time Ever

-When Obama won, Glenn was happy because America had elected its first black president (despite the fact that, as it turned out, Obama hates white people.

-Glenn does this weird thing where he shows a past clip of himself making a prediction or taking a call on his simulcast radio show, but the camera stays on him while the clip runs over his right shoulder. Present Glenn just sorta sits there glowering while Past Glenn does his thing. The effect is incredibly creepy and meta.

-Nobody knows who wrote the stimulus bill. The powers that be claim it was members of Congress and their staffs, but Glenn isn't so sure.

-The Black Panthers and "the unions" both threatened to attend Glenn's 8/28 rally, but thousands of extremely brave people came anyway.

-Glenn's Charlie Crist impression is quite lacking.

-George Soros! George Soros!

-There is a thing called the Tides Foundation and it is bad.

-The Apollo Foundation is the Tides Foundation is George Soros (this is almost a direct quote).

-Colorado "wasn't always a blue state."

-The common belief that California's fiscal crisis was brought about by extremely dysfunctional state and local governance and a broken ballot initiative system is inaccurate, as the real cause was progressives.

-Sharron Angle was "some chick you've never heard of" before she exploded onto the political scene.

-Glenn talks a huge amount, even for a talk-show host.

-Glenn is discouraged by the negative, fear mongering tone of political ads on both sides.

-Glenn will randomly switch into baby talk or stereotypical-gay-guy talk or mentally-disabled-person talk when he wants to underline a point, in much the same way others will change their intonation or gesture a bit.

-The big unions are spending $200 million on this election cycle, which, if accurate, is a scary-sounding number when thrown about devoid of context.

-Come next year, prices on groceries will skyrocket, but Glenn's 9/12 project "will save us" by instilling the "12 values," which include—to take one example—thrift, which surely would be helpful during a period of rapid inflation.

-Jesus Christ you think I'm kidding but it's 50 minutes in and it's just been him talking the whole time how does he do this and a radio show every day it's like he has titanium vocal cords.

-It's hard to maintain any level of real outrage at Glenn when you're exposed to high dosages of him—some sort of neurological self-defense mechanism kicks in and you end up dissociating, almost like the part of your brain engaged in watching TV has a temporary lesion or something. It's not entirely unpleasant.