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Sarah Palin Talks Trains, and Rand Paul Makes Me Feel Extreme Pain

Sarah Palin in the house on Fox! She just gave her thoughts (or "thoughts"), and she chose to run (ride?) a train-based metaphor to help explain to us, the lay viewers, what's going on in terms we can understand. (A snide person would say this is a strange choice on her part, given that an America run by Palin probably wouldn't have any trains at all, trains being a rather brazen example of the redistribution of transportation resources to those unable to afford cars.)

What we're seeing out there in Real America, Palin explained, is that "the train's leaving the station. The president and his advisers and his colleagues and supporters can jump on board that train, but it's headed in a different direction, and the direction is going to be one of a more conservative bent." So wait... if the train is going in a direction which is one of a more conservative bent, as it were, why would the president and his contingent be on it? Wouldn't they jump off it, or at the very least catch a different train? What if the trains collide? Where would we be then?

After Palin's time in the conductor's seat came Rand Paul's acceptance speech. In the hierarchy of English-language phrases and how they make me feel, "Rand Paul's acceptance speech" sits at the same level as "Michael Moore striptease" and "back-arcingly powerful bowel movement."