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Taiwanese Baseball Is Awesome

Patrick Dubuque uses Google Chrome translation to look at the statistics from the Taiwanese baseball league. They suggest a game vastly more entertaining than the American version:

Dan Reichert is and always has been a trendsetter. ...
The 34 year-old righty, who hasn’t been in the majors since 2003, signed a contract with the Uni-Presdient 7-Eleven Lions of the Chinese Professional Baseball League of Taiwan (league motto: Nice Play)....
The CPBL, in an effort to acclimate foreign-born players to the local fan base, provide these gentlemen with new monikers on the back of their jerseys.  Reichert, for reasons that do not officially exist, goes by “Robert 38”.
I searched for Robert 38’s performance on the CPBL website, enlisting the feckless aid of the Google Chrome translation feature.  Doing so provided me with the greatest box score of all time:
Based on these statistics, I can declare in complete candor that Taiwanese baseball is my kind of baseball.  Any sport that features garrison opportunities, assassinations, lost markets, failed rescues, and complete votes can only be amazing.  It reads like the script of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie.  What, one must ask, is a “pirate of the base resistance kill?”  Is it something that gets you extradited?

I appreciate the subtle rendering of what we call "win-loss record" as "victory" or "failure." It just makes the stakes that much more dramatic,