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11 Bargaining Chips That Obama Can Offer the GOP

“We're not going to be disrespected," Rep. Marlin Stutzman (R-Ind.) told The Washington Examiner. "We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

Out of the kindness of our hearts, some suggested things to get out of this:

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1) For John Boehner, a carton of Virginia Slims Menthol and a case of 2010 merlot from Bedell Cellars, which, according to the New York Times, “may ultimately outshine the charming 2009 merlot, which was served at the Congressional lunch in the Capitol after President Obama’s public inauguration.”


2) For Tom Graves of Georgia, leader of the defund-Obamacare caucus, a clean credit record to make up for his recent co-default on a $2.2 million bank loan

Image via Shutterstock

3) For Paul Ryan, the 2013 Fiscy Award. He had to share the prize with two others in 2011, grade school-style. This time, let’s give him a trophy all his own. 

4) For John Fleming of Louisiana, the latest Cheap Eats guide to Washington. 

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5) For Ted Cruz, someone willing to sit with him in the senatorial lunchroom.

6) For John Culberson of Texas, a collector’s edition of the film Flight 93.

7) For Louie Gohmert, the collected works of Tom Brokaw.

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8) For Eric Cantor, the speakership.

Courtesy of the Forest Service

9) For Randy Neugebauer of Texas, a Smokey Bear doll he can berate whenever he feels like it.

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10) For David Vitter, Senate staffers who don’t despise him.

11) For Marlin Stutzman, the chance to take it back. Because it’s not that easy. Just ask his colleague from Arkansas, Tim Griffin.