In the newest issue of the magazine, fourteen eggheads and eminences wrote short essays announcing whom they'd be voting for and why. We'll be unveiling these responses on The Plank throughout the next two weeks. This is what Allison Silverman, a writer for The Colbert Report, had to say:

As an American paid to make fun of our elected officials, high-profile gaffes and missteps are a particular concern to me. That's why I am subjecting every presidential candidate to the following litmus test: Will he accidentally shoot an old man in the face? Tragically, no one has yet had Dick Cheney's courage to answer "yes." Thus, I am forced to use my instincts. Mitt Romney will not accidentally shoot an old man in the face. Neither will Obama. John McCain will not actually shoot an old man in the face, but, in the name of "straight talk," he might tell an old man something so depressing that he will feel as if he has been shot in the face. And Clinton, of course, raises questions as to whether a woman can effectively accidentally shoot an old man in the face. Rudy Giuliani, it is!